How I Am Going to Be an Optimist About This?
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has always been a lie, a cruel joke played by the Professors to disguise the reform school for juvenile delinquents. As the students cope with reality, try to murder Ron for making the houses lose points and grow closer, a group of Azkaban Dementors join the staff and try to the best of their all powerful abilities to fit in.
1. Wizard is Just another word for Gullible

Chapter One

"Wizard" is Just another Word for Gullible People

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, just an average school with average normal every kids', right? Yes. You are exactly right. The Witchcraft and Wizardry part of the name is actually a cleverly cruel joke played by Professors Dumbledore and Snape in an effort to make the students seem special when in reality they were just ordinary. The school itself never actually taught anything of practical use, save for Defense Against the Dark Arts, acting more of a reform school than an educational one. The only real wizards at the school were the Professors, who used their magic to...you know what, I'll just let the story tell itself.

Professor Snape was walking the grounds near Hagrid's hut, dressed in his depressingly black robes and long hair which was never cut, when he happened along Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, three of the most annoying and troublesome students in the entire school. At the moment, Draco was pretending to lift something with his wand, which in reality was just a stick, and the object he was lifting was motion activated. "Look guys" Draco exclaimed confidently, "I'm doing it. I'm really doing it!" Harry and Hermione looked on in awe, for Draco was considered by most to be the worst "wizard" in the whole school. Snape walked up silently, grabbed Draco's wand from his hand and snapped it in two. "I suggest Mr. Malfoy" Snape sneered, "That instead of showing off; you get to your Psychology of Muggles session, before I beat you with a rod!" Hermione stepped forward and took the defensive, "Actually Professor, according to the Hogwarts Rulebook, no teacher can beat their students as a disciplinary action."

Snape stared at Hermione with an eye piercing and cold glance, "You are perhaps the most gullible person in this school Miss Granger. Do you actually believe that you have talent? Do you actually believe that you can do even half of what I'm capable of? Ha!" Snape laughed as he pulled out his wand, "Let me show you sure magic." Snape pointed his wand at Draco, "Imperio!" Draco stood up, his eyes immediately glazed over. Snape leaned in towards Draco, "You will quack like a duck. Go to your classes and for ten hours starting right now you will laugh at everything you see until you puke!" Draco immediately began quaking like a duck as he headed towards the school, periodically laughing at every blade of grass, every tree and every person he saw along the way.

Harry and Hermione stared at Snape in complete disbelief and terror, "Oh why don't you go kiss behind a tree or something!" Snape growled, "Are you sure that was legal Professor?" Harry asked, Snape immediately slapped Harry across the face, "I didn't kill the boy. Merely taught him a lesson is all. Mind control is an effect way of teaching lessons Potter, and is completely legal for teachers to use. Next time you should think before you say something so stupidly pointless." Harry nodded and rubbed his scar, "And fix that scar Harry" Snape declared as he walked back towards the school, "Just because you fell out of the Weeping Willow and got an interesting cut on your forehead does not mean that you get special treatment. In fact, you might want to see a nurse, I think it's infected." Hermione shook her head, not believing him, "I thought that Harry was the Boy who Lived?" Snape laughed hysterically, "The Boy who Lived! Ha, if you only knew what that meant Miss Granger. If you only knew, why I think it would be the only thing that could destroy that ridiculous ego of yours, make you see that you're living in an illusion, that the only true magic is that of knowledge." Snape turned around to face them, for now Harry was listening, Snape continued, "The only true power comes from experience. I have both knowledge and experience, but you don't see me gloating about it do you? That's because I know that knowledge and experience are limitless and no one can have it all. Not even one such as you."

Snape then walked away, leaving Harry and Hermione to their own devices. Snape smiled to himself as he pictured Harry and Hermione's face, he imagined that they were broken, confused and conflicted, _"I really hope they don't do anything rash"_ Snape thought to himself, _"We've already had twenty seven students die as a result of finding out the truth. But then again, I'm only following orders."_ Snape entered the courtyard and continued his inner monologue, _"Dumbledore said to constantly tell the students the truth in an effort to break down the ideologies we planted in their heads the first time around."_ Snape walked down a long dark hallway and entered the Hogwarts dungeons, he could hear Draco quaking and laughing down the hallway as he entered his first class of the day. Snape smiled as he heard Draco, his thoughts then immediately turned to Harry and Hermione, and he couldn't help but laugh. _"Then again, Potter and Granger's death would be...tragically...assuming."_ Snape opened the door to his classroom and began the agonizing process of teaching.

Taking his place in the front of the room, Snape sat behind his desk and waited three seconds before beginning. Looking over his room, his eyes laid upon Ron Wesley, smiling that he found his victim for the day; Snape stood up and boomed his opening remarks. "Wesley! Please tell the class the negative side effects of polyjuice potion in order of the most punishing." Ron only stammered in response, "What?" he asked fearfully. Snape leaned in, "It seems that you haven't been paying attention otherwise you would know that the only negative effect of polyjuice potion, when mixed correctly is lack of foresight because the potion, depending on the mixer, has various lengths of time!" Ron hung his head in shame. Snape only huffed in disappointment, "200 points removed from all houses" Snape declared. Everyone in the room glared at Ron, their eyes waiting for Snape to dismiss so that they could collectively murder Ron in as many ways as humanly possible. Snape saw this, smiled and spoke again, "You are dismissed. Please wait to murder Mr. Wesley until you get to the courtyard. Don't want any accidental deaths now do we?"

Ron, thinking that this meant that he was safe as long as he stayed outside the courtyard, briskly walked out of the room and made his way to the Great Hall. No sooner did Ron step out of Snape's class did the other students begin to chase him through the school, screaming "Bloody murder" and "Death to the Wesley" throughout the school. Snape meanwhile, calmly exited his classroom, locked the door behind him and began whistling Dixie while he did a little side step routine down the hallway, heading towards the Great Hall.

By the time Snape reached the Great Hall, the mob that he had intently started to murder Ron had already disassembled, Ron having fled to the safety of his dorm, changing the password to prevent anyone from entering and to stay alive for as long as possible. The mob turned towards Snape, their eyes now glaring murder and death at him, Snape however, remained calm. Pulling out his wand, Snape gestured it over the mob and struck the Imperius Curse on the entire group, their eyes glazed over for a moment, "Whoever kills Mr. Wesley" Snape began, "Will get 5,000 points for their house and an A all of my classes. When I lower my wand, you will break free of this spell, but whenever you see Ron you will go into a murderous frenzy." Snape lowered his wand and the mob turned back to normal and immediately dispersed to their next classes, talking to each other as if nothing happened.

Professor Dumbledore entered the Great Hall; behind him was Dolores Umbridge, the newest assistant of the Minister of Magic and future inductee of the Hogwarts staff. Upon seeing Dolores, Snape raised his wand and shouted, "Avada Kedavra bitch!" a green light emitted from Snape's wand and struck Umbridge, who fell to the floor stone dead. Dumbledore stared at Snape. "Thank you" he said, "I was this close to strangling the woman! Good God is she annoying." Snape laughed, "Yes. I just hope that I didn't change the course of history of anything." Dumbledore shook this off, "If you did" Dumbledore added, "It's for the better. That woman was a bitch plain and simple. Can you believe that she suggested that Voldemort was a decent human being? A civil rights activist who acted in the name of the pure bloods...that doesn't exist!" Snape rolled his eyes, for he already allotted all of his laughter for the day, if he laughed any more he would become sick. "Your humor sickens me sir" Snape replied both literally and figuratively in that Dumbledore's joke were always terrible and Snape was literally starting to feel sick. Dumbledore however, did not get the hint and continued laughing as he and Snape entered the Great Hall for lunch.


	2. Eating Food Covered in Wax is a Bad Idea

Chapter Two

Eating Food Covered In Wax Is a Bad Idea

The Great Hall isn't all that great. For starters hot candle wax covered the floor and tables, making sitting down in any of the chairs almost impossible. Snape and Dumbledore though, sat at the front of the room, which was free of any candle wax or the screams of children that followed as a result of them sitting on the seats.

Harry and Hermione sat down at Gryffindor table, across from Neville Longbottom, who was skinny and extremely tall and Ginny Wesley, Ron's sister and Neville's girlfriend. "So" Neville said as he winced slightly, "What are you guys up to?" Harry picked up a piece of bread, which was also covered in wax and began eating it to the best of his ability, "You mean besides sitting on scolding hot candle wax in pain?" Harry asked rhetorically, Neville nodded, not getting Harry's sarcasm. "I have a potions final that I'm completely unprepared for, Hagrid is out to get me and I'm quitting the Quidditch team." Neville, Hermione and Ginny gasped in surprise, not realizing that Quidditch was another one of Snape and Dumbledore's cruel jokes achieved by periodically casting hallucinogenic spells over the Quidditch field, which in reality was just a normal soccer field. "You're quitting!" they all shouted in unison, "but who's going to be the Gryffindor Seeker?" Harry shrugged; "I don't know" he turned to Neville, "You wanna be Seeker?" Neville laughed half heartedly, "Me! A Seeker, that's rich Harry, really it is. Now tell me the one about the hobbits who traveled the land to destroy the Ring." Ginny upon hearing this leaned in anticipation towards Harry, "I love that story! Please tell it." Harry rolled his eyes annoyingly and began to tell the ridiculously long epic, The Lord of the Rings, staring with its prequel The Hobbit "Once there was a hole in the ground..."

Meanwhile at the Slytherin table, Crabbe and Goyle were staring in fear at the sight of Draco, who was sitting across from them laughing his head off; his face was just as fearful as Crabbe and Goyle's. "Please help me!" he cried, hysterically laughing as he did so, "I can't take this anymore." Draco stood up and threw up on the floor, his vomit smelled of old cheese and honeydew. Draco turned towards Snape, "Take this curse off me!" he pleaded as he vomited a second time and gave a short laugh at the same time, "Please Professor." Snape shook his head in response, "It's what you get you pompous annoying little prick. The curse stays until the allotted time has passed." Draco flipped him off, a large smile came on his face, "Go to...hell Snape. You and you're sick, twisted..." Before he could finish, he vomited a third time and began laughing uncontrollably to the point where he collapsed on the ground and began rolling in his puke.

Snape turned towards Dumbledore, "Should I be gracious sir?" he asked, his eyes uncertain, Dumbledore nodded, "I think he's suffered enough Severus. Let the boy be." Snape stood up and pulled out his wand. Aiming it at Draco, Snape denounced the cruse," I release you Mr. Malfoy" Snape walked over towards Draco as he stood up, his wand still drawn, "But if you ever, ever attempt anything in means of magic other than what I or your Professors say you can do again I will see to it that you are tortured for the rest of your time at this establishment in the most grueling way possible. Do you understand that?" Draco nodded in understanding, but curiosity getting the better of him; he spoke up, "What type of torture sir?" he asked. Snape stared at him coldly, "I will make you watch every bad movie from the 1980s...in German, French, Bulgarian and Russian twice in each language." Draco shook his head rapidly at this and smiled, "Of course sir. Sorry sir." Snape rolled his eyes, "Call me Professor Snape boy!" Draco immediately sat down back in his seat and continued to eat.

Snape heard the sound of laughter and general merriment, following the sound to the other side of the room; he found the source to be none other than Gryffindor table, more specifically Harry Potter, Granger, and Neville. "And what pray tell is so funny?" Snape asked as he walked over, his eyes shifting from one side of the table to the other. "Nothing Professor Snape" Neville answered, stifling his laughter, "Harry just told a funny joke is all." Snape turned to Harry, "Alright let's hear it" he said. Harry looked wide eyed at Snape, "I'm sorry?" he asked for clarification. Snape shook his head in disbelief, "Mr. Longbottom said you told a joke. Let's hear it." Harry smiled sheepishly, "But sir I didn't-" before he could finish a sharp kick from Neville shut him up and caused him to simply hang his head. Snape leaned in, tilting Harry's head with his the tip of his wand he spoke, "I could do so many things to you right now that you wouldn't believe Potter. I could turn you into a newt if I wanted to. I could poison the food that you're eating, I could make you fly like a bird, bark like a dog and swim like a frog at the same time." Snape smiled, it was almost warm, "Now kindly and quickly. Tell the joke!"

Harry sighed and looked Snape in the eyes, "What do you call Professor Snape when he's having a good day?" Harry asked. Snape raised his eyebrows in suspicion but went along with it anyway; Harry after all was doing what he asked. "I don't know" Snape replied, "What do you call Professor Snape when he's having a good day?" Harry smiled from ear to ear and gave his answer, "A one in a million chance!" Snape remained expressionless. Harry, half expecting him to be cursed, prepared himself mentally and tried to disarm the professor, "Please sir" Harry said, "don't do anything painful." Snape rolled his eyes and stood upright, putting his wand away, "And why would I do that?" he asked. Harry, confused by Snape's reply, "I just insulted you" he said, "You mean that you're not going to punish me?" Snape sighed annoyingly, "I'm punishing you right now" he answered, "Have a...blessed day Harry Potter." Snape then returned to his seat, leaving Harry extremely confused.

Harry turned towards the others, "Did you guys see that? Please tell me that I'm not the only one who didn't see this?" Hermione and Neville nodded in agreement, "Do you think he's messing with me?" Harry asked, looking for an answer. Neville nodded, "Of course he is, he's Professor Severus Snape. He messes with everyone's heads!" Harry couldn't argue with that logic, "How do you know everything?" he asked as he sat down, Neville shrugged in response, "I pay attention to things. I see things that others might miss. There's a lot to me that most people wouldn't expect." Hermione leaned in curiously, "Like what?" she said, her tone of voice showing hints of jealousy, for she didn't want to think that anyone could possibly be better at her when it came to anything. Neville laughed half heartedly, "I know that this school is basically a lie. That none of us are learning any real magic. That our wands are completely useless, little more than sticks, Quidditch is a hallucination, and the Professors all think that we're a bunch of mentally handicapped students. Why do think we're here? Hogwarts is a juvenile reform school. That's all it is." Harry and Hermione refused to believe it, "You're crazy Neville." Harry replied, "Hogwarts is called the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for a reason. There's no way that they would lie to us like that." Neville stood up, wiping the wax off of his shirt and pants, "Whatever Harry. Be stuck in this fantasy all you want, but know that it's all a lie. If you'll excuse me, Ginny's expecting me." Neville then walked out of the Great Hall and into the hallway.

The meal continued without any major interruptions, until Snape stood up and walked to the podium. "Students may I have your attention please" Snape declared, causing all of the houses to look his way, "I have something that I must confess..." Cedric Digory stood up at the Hufflepuff table, "I knew it! Snape is gay!" Snape pulled his wand and aimed it at Cedric, "Mr. Digory! Sit down before I turn you into a Dementor!" Cedric laughed, "You wouldn't dare. Do you know who I am?" Snape nodded, "I know that just like everyone else at this ridiculous school you believe that you are better than everyone. You believe, as so many before you that you are a wizard. None of you are wizards, to even call yourselves such is an insult to yourselves, Muggles and wizards alike. You Mr. Digory, along with the rest of your entire generation of colleagues are a disgrace to living people..." Snape lowered his wand and smiled smugly, "Which is way Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore and I have taken the liberty and poisoned this meal. In exactly forty one minutes all of you will experience explosive diarrhea and massive headaches." The students immediately began to feel woozy; Draco threw up again, the thought of explosive diarrhea after his previous ordeal becoming too much for his bowels to handle.

Dumbledore stood up and walked towards the podium as Snape sat down. "Don't worry children" he said, "It only lasts for an hour. Try not to make a mess of things alright? You are dismissed." At this, all of the students began running to their respective bathrooms, dormitories, etc. in order to avoid more humiliation than necessary.


	3. A Demented Performance

Chapter Three

A Demented Performance

Azkaban Prison was a real prison for real wizards. The security of this prison was the Dementors, terrible guardians of the night and bringers of death, whose sole purpose was to suck the souls of the damned.

Some of the Dementors were assigned to protect Hogwarts from magical forces. They were actually more capable at magic than some of the professors, their evaporating abilities and long gleaming silver wands a testament to this. Three of them were assigned as the hall patrol; they were Jerry, Tim and Bob.

Jerry, Tim and Bob each had different personalities. Jerry was, out of all of them, the nicest of the three, for he secretly wanted to be human and so actually attempted to speak with the students. He couldn't help it that every time he did he started sucking their souls. Tim was mischievous, but he was tolerable. He personally hated humans and wanted nothing to do with them, but he especially detested children so he was a frequent participation in the Professor's jokes and various pranks on the students. Bob was the quiet silent type, along coming to have something to do. The Dementor was incredibly lonely and thus like Jerry, would be happy if he had a friend in the world.

The three Dementors flew up to Hogwarts' main gate and knocked on the door. Argus, the head caretaker of the school, at sight of the Dementors, ran away in fear to warn the others. Jerry turned to Tim, "Tim" he said, "Do your thing." Tim nodded delightfully and flew as fast as he could, stopping the caretaker in his tracks. "And where do you think you're going?" Tim asked turning his head slightly to avoid stealing Argus' soul, "P-p-p-please don't!" Argus whimpered, "I'm only doing my job. Meant nothing by it, honest!" Tim gently patted Argus' shoulder, sending a shiver up Argus' spine, "We are guests of Dumbledore himself" Tim explained, "The mere suggestion that we would even think of...well soul taking here is ridiculous. We are Dementors, but we are not demented." Argus tried not to faint as Tim walked away, getting his satisfaction from seeing Argus' fearful expression.

"Oh and by the way" Tim said as he turned around, "You so much as try that again. And I will take you straight to Azkaban for being a dick. Understand?" Argus nodded in understanding and went on his way. Jerry shook his head at Tim, "Did you have to threaten him Timmy?" Jerry asked his voice full of concern for Argus, "I don't see how you care for these humans so much Jerry. They're humans. We're immortal Dementors with awesome powers, why care?" Jerry shook his head again for Tim was dramatically missing the point, "We're trying to establish a good relationship between Hogwarts and Azkaban remember? Don't make our reputation worse by deliberately scaring people into submission." Tim rolled his eyes, brushing Jerry off, "Please Tim" Jerry concluded as he rapped on the door, "Just try at least be passively aggressive." Tim smiled but said nothing else.

Professor McGonagall answered the door. She looked up at the Dementors, screamed and slammed the door in their faces. Bob, who had remained relatively silent up to this point, shrugged and evaporated on the other side. Jerry and Tim followed suit.

They stood in front of the door rather awkwardly, in an instant; McGonagall appeared with Dumbledore, Snape, Argus and the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Gilderoy Lockhart. "See, there they are!" McGonagall said as she pointed fearfully towards them, her finger quivering in fear. Snape pulled his wand and pointed it at Jerry, McGonagall composed herself and pulled her, pointing it at Tim, Lockhart already had his trained on Bob. The Dementors remained motionless. Several of the students, including Harry, Neville and Hermione, were standing on the Grand Staircase watching the spectacle.

Jerry drew his wand; it was long, cragged and black, causing Bob and Tim to do the same. The Dementors made triangular motions with their wands, in an instant a guitar, a drum set and a bass evaporated into existence. Jerry, Bob and Tim then began playing.

_I have nothing left to give; I have found the perfect end._

_ You were made to make it hurt, disappear into the dirt._

_Carry me to Heaven's arm, light the way and let me go-_

_ Take the time to take my breath; I will end where I began._

From Jerry, Tim and Bob came a dark, black mist that casually floated around the room.

_And I will find the enemy within. Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin._

_ Dear agony, just let go of me. Suffer slowly. Is the way it's gotta be?_

_ Dear agony..._

While this was going on, Snape, McGonagall, Lockhart, Dumbledore and Argus all had looks of confusion and bewilderment, too focused on what was happening to remember what it was they were supposed to do. The students began cheering and banging their heads like 1980's rockers, raising their hands in defiance and general screams of approval were heard. Which is exactly what Jerry, Tim and Bob wanted.

_Suddenly the lights go out._

_ Let forever drag me down_

_ I will fight for one last breath_

_ I will fight until the end._

_ And I will find the enemy within. Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin._

Jerry stepped forward and let his emotions take control. The black mist gradually got stronger. Tim and Bob backed this up by upping the intensity.

_Dear agony. Just let go of me. Suffer slowly. _

_ Is the way it's gotta be?_

_ Don't bury me. Faceless enemy, I'm so sorry. _

_ Is the way it's gotta be?_

_ Dear agony._

Tim and Bob stepped forward and followed Jerry's lead. Bob took the chorus, the only time that he spoke for a long period of time.

_Leave me alone. God let me go. I'm blue and cold, black sky will burn._

_ Love pull me down. Hate lift me up. Just turn around._

_ There's nothing left..._

Jerry took the chorus back, seeing that Bob was growing uncomfortable with having to speak; they put emphasis on this by brining the sound down a comparably soft whisper.

_Somewhere far beyond this world_

_ I feel nothing anymore._

Tim evaporated and hovered above the room, taking up the next part of the song. Dumbledore, Snape, Lockhart and McGonagall instantly became fearful, thinking that Tim was going to start taking souls right on the spot, as a precaution they kept their wands on their respective Dementor.

_Dear agony. Just let go of me. Suffer slowly. _

_ Is this the way it's gotta be?_

_ Don't bury me. Faceless enemy, I'm so sorry. _

_ Is this the way it's gotta be?_

_ Dear agony..._

_ I feel nothing anymore._

When the song was over, Tim evaporated back to the ground, Jerry made the instruments disappear and Bob dissipated the mist. The students were applauding and acting as if they were in a concert. Jerry turned towards them and gave an ear splitting scream, silencing them.

Everything now quiet, Jerry turned to Dumbledore, "We meant no disrespect Headmaster" he began, "We just wanted to get things off to a good start." Dumbledore looked at the children and then back at Jerry, "Well you certainly did" he exclaimed, "Sir, are you sure about this?" Lockhart asked fear creeping into his voice, "I mean letting Dementors on the school grounds! It's madness!" Dumbledore raised his hand stopping Lockhart, "I am fully aware of the risks Gilderoy. I am also aware that you are completely incompetent as a teacher and as such-" That was all Jerry needed to hear, for no sooner did Jerry hear this did he snap his fingers and unleash Tim upon Gilderoy, who slowly and painfully began sucking his soul. Jerry and Bob looked on in silence. When it looked as if Gilderoy was just about spent, Jerry stopped Tim, "That's enough Timmy" Jerry said, "We're not here for that." Tim nodded and stepped away. Gilderoy's eyes were glazed over, he groaned as if he were completely brainless, which honestly wasn't a step too far from he was to begin with as spit dripped down from his mouth and onto the floor.

Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall turned towards Jerry, "Is he going to be alright?" McGonagall asked, the thought of this happening to the students immediately crossed her mind. Jerry smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry" he said, "We're forbidden to kill on Hogwarts grounds. He'll be fine, he'll slip into a coma for a week, but otherwise he's as fresh as a daisy." McGonagall stared glaringly at Dumbledore, "Well what we going to do? Now we need to hire another teacher!" Dumbledore nodded, for now he was thinking of the situation also. Only one person came to mind.

"Severus" Dumbledore exclaimed, "Congratulations. You're the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." Snape nodded humbly, "Who will be Potions?" he asked curiously, hoping that it was someone who actually knew what they were doing. Dumbledore turned to Bob, "Bob is it?" he began, Bob nodded slowly, having a feeling on what was coming next, "I understand that you have a vast knowledge of potions and poisons." Bob raised his eyebrows curiously for he had no idea what Dumbledore was talking about, Dumbledore couldn't see this but he did sense it. "I looked into your records" Dumbledore explained, "And I feel it fitting, being in your high position and your...difficulties...that it would be beneficial if you were to teach Potions this year." Bob stared at Dumbledore and then at the students, before he made his way down the corridor to the dungeon. Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall looked worriedly on, "Is that a yes?" Dumbledore asked to no one in particular, "It's a yes" Jerry answered, "Now" he continued as he stooped over Gilderoy, "I have someone to see I need to see to, if you'll excuse me Professors." Dumbledore and the others nodded in understanding as Jerry evaporated, carrying Gilderoy away and off Hogwarts grounds.

Tim looked at the students who were still gathering on the staircase and barked at them, "What are you looking at?" he asked defensively, "Get to class!" The students were too surprised to even so much as argue and hurried off to class. The Professors looked at Tim in confusion, who turned to them, smiled smugly and evaporated, leaving behind a faint cloud of black mist behind.


End file.
